Premier’s Speech: “Bourbon, Budgets, and a Sinking Ship”

Timmy left behind his notes from the Westville Kitchen Party

(Recovered from under a half-empty case of Keith’s, allegedly left behind by Premier H)

Premier’s Speech Draft: “Bourbon, Budgets, and a Sinking Ship”

Good evening, Westville.

Thank you for throwing such a great downhome kitchen party. Judging by the fiddle tunes and the spoon playing, I may have been the least entertaining act of the night. Still, I wanted to share two pressing issues facing Nova Scotia:

1. Our provincial budget is $1.2 billion over.
2. We have been storing $14 million worth of American liquor like a province saving up for the world’s saddest apocalypse party.

The Canoe Problem

When our government took stock of the finances this fall, we discovered something unusual. Not only are we deep in the red, but we have also been paying millions of dollars to warehouse American bourbon. At that moment, it became clear: Nova Scotia is not simply off course — we are in a canoe, in open water, with a hole in the bottom, and someone thought the solution was to store more whiskey instead of paddling.

The Numbers

• $14 million worth of U.S. alcohol pulled from shelves in early 2025
• 600,000 bottles, give or take
• $4.6 million burned on storage in 10 months
• Burbon hostels (wearhouses) we could sell to help pay down the deficit, if they were full of US booze

(Note in Tim’s handwriting: “Don’t say ‘bourbon orphanage’ — too harsh?”)

The Plan (half-baked, like the biscuits)

1. Release the bourbon. Every last bottle is coming out of storage and going straight to NSLC shelves. If we’re going to be broke, we might as well be merry about it.
2. Sell the warehouses. Because if we’re going down, we shouldn’t be going down with $40,000-a-month storage units full of foreign booze.
3. Ban symbolic liquor hoarding. No more patriotic wine bunkers. No more bourbon-as-art-investment. No more trade-war temper tantrums conducted at taxpayer expense.

The Blunt Truth

Selling this liquor is not going to balance the books. It won’t even fix the padding on one MLA’s office chair. But at the very least, it will stop the bleeding cut, and it will give Nova Scotians access to the one part of this mess that actually has resale value.

If the ship is taking on water, we might as well stop drilling extra holes in the hull.

Closing Toast

So yes — we’re going to drink, we’re going to be merry, and we’re going to stop pretending this stockpile was anything more than an expensive piece of political theatre. But let me assure you: once we unload this booze and these warehouses, we will get back to the hard work of turning this province around.

Because a government can run out of money, but it cannot run out of common sense — unless it tries very, very hard.

Thank you. And please, responsibly — and patriotically — buy the bourbon.

For more infomation see here:

https://news.novascotia.ca/en/2025/11/27/province-sell-remaining-us-alcohol