Nova Scotia Bureau of Absurd Nova Scotia

For Immediate Release: 2025-11-20

Department of Retroactive Accountability & Fiscal Shock (DRAFS)

“We didn’t do the math then, but we absolutely agree with the Auditor General now.”

📣 DRAFS Statement on the Auditor General’s Findings

After carefully reading the Auditor General’s latest report — twice, slowly, with a calculator and a cold cloth — the Department of Retroactive Accountability & Fiscal Shock would like to publicly announce:

Yes. She’s right. All of it. Every embarrassing line.

For five glorious years, Nova Scotia handed out $2.5 billion in university funding, including $1.9 billion in no-strings-attached grants, using a funding formula older than dial-up internet. And no, we didn’t ask how it was being spent, because it felt rude.

“It’s important to respect university autonomy,” said Acting Deputy Minister Harold ‘Don’t Look at Me, I Thought Someone Else Checked’ Ledgerfield.
“But in hindsight, maybe we should’ve asked for… you know… receipts.”

🧊 The Auditor General Says: “There’s No Accountability.”

And DRAFS proudly replies: Correct. Thank you for noticing.

The Universities Accountability and Sustainability Act existed the whole time.
We just… didn’t use the accountability part.

It looked complicated, and the binder was heavy.

“We assumed if something was wrong, someone would tell us,” said Director of Funding Mysteries Janet ‘Blind Faith’ Ledgerly.

“But apparently the people receiving billions don’t usually call to say, ‘Please regulate me harder.’ Who knew?”

🧮 About That 25-Year-Old Funding Formula

Yes, the formula is old.

Yes, it predates smartphones, streaming, and most current university students.
And yes, the department regrets using a system designed when Y2K was still considered a credible threat.

“Our formula is so outdated it should qualify as heritage property,” noted Chief Analyst Gordon ‘Windows 95’ Calcliff.

🩺 On Health-Education Funding

The Auditor General highlighted that $277 million went to health-related programs — with unclear outcomes.

DRAFS acknowledges this and confirms: We were also curious how many nurses we got.

We assumed someone at the universities had written it down somewhere.
Possibly on a sticky note.

🧂 DRAFS Moving Forward (Now That We’ve Been Publicly Shamed)

In full agreement with the Auditor General, DRAFS commits to a bold new era of:

• Asking questions
• Requiring data
• Updating formulas younger than 25 years
• Pretending this was our plan all along

We will also begin a phased rollout of something called “basic oversight”, starting immediately or whenever we find the login for the accountability portal.

🗣️ Final Words From DRAFS

“We thank the Auditor General for the report,” said Assistant Director Clara ‘We’ll Fix It, Probably’ Tallyman.

“Without her, we might have gone another 25 years before realizing the billions were on the honour system.”

The Department of Retroactive Accountability & Fiscal Shock looks forward to making changes, clarifying expectations, and perhaps even reading the legislation we passed in 2015.

For more information see here: https://oag-ns.ca/media/news-releases/2025/province-not-holding-universities-accountable-billions-public-funds-ag