Province to Build Mega-Fiddle Visible from Kelly’s Mountain

SYDNEY — Nova Scotia has announced plans for a fiddle so large it will be visible from Kelly’s Mountain on a clear day (expected to be twice per year, weather permitting).

The new Mega-Fiddle, standing over 400 feet tall, will require strings the size of tugboat cables and a bow strong enough to knock Volkswagens into the harbour during windy conditions. Officials say the project will “pay for itself” in tourism, cruise ship selfies, and fiddle-related spinoffs.

Tourism Minister Glenda MacNeil defended the cost, projected at $82 million:

“This will be the Eiffel Tower of Cape Breton, except rustier and built entirely on grant money we don’t have.”

Local fisherman Donnie MacIsaac expressed concerns:

“That shadow’s gonna confuse my lobsters. They’ll think it’s nighttime all day. I can’t sell ‘nightshift lobster’ to the Japanese market—they already think we’re strange.”

The Department of Transportation warns that drivers cresting Kelly’s Mountain may become dangerously distracted by the glowing Mega-Fiddle beacon.

“We’re budgeting for at least two tow trucks and an ambulance,” said a department spokesperson, calling it a “cultural tax.”

The current Big Fiddle will be demoted to “Medium Fiddle” and eventually converted into a Tim Hortons drive-thru.

Critics argue the money could go to roads, hospitals, or affordable housing. The province responded that those things “don’t bring cruise ship selfies.”

As MacNeil concluded:

“Cape Breton has fiddled through history, and if you think we’re fiddling with your tax dollars—you’re right.”

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Technical Specifications of the Mega-Fiddle

(According to leaked provincial blueprints)

• Height: 400 ft (600 ft if measured with political promises).
• Strings: Four industrial tugboat cables, tuned to “government optimism.”
• Bow: Reinforced carbon-fibre, doubling as a catapult during windstorms.
• Uses:
  • Cruise ship landmark
  • Cell tower for people who still don’t get reception in Ingonish
  • Backup hydro power plant (when you rub the bow fast enough)
• Maintenance Cost: $1.2 million annually for bow rosin, applied by helicopter.
• Tourism Feature: Observation deck on the fiddle scroll, accessible only by fiddle-shaped gondola.