No Bump Order

Department of Unnecessary Obstacles (DUO)

ORDER-IN-COUNCIL NO. 2025-BUMP-01

Subject: Immediate Prohibition of Speed Bumps, Humps, Cushions, Lumps, and Other Asphalt Deformities

WHEREAS

  1. Speed bumps were once considered a “traffic-calming measure,” but have since multiplied like feral raccoons, spreading uncontrollably across Nova Scotia;
  2. Nova Scotia accepts that our province is experiencing an epidemic of Speed Bump Sprawl, defined as “the uncontrolled spread of asphalt lumps until every road resembles a washboard and every driver resembles a bobblehead doll”;
  3. Halifax alone has compiled a list of over 190 streets awaiting bumps;
  4. Current policy allows a single resident to demand a speed bump, but provides no mechanism for removal, creating a system of permanent asphalt dictatorship;
  5. Municipalities have failed to differentiate between “bump,” “hump,” “cushion,” “lump,” or “experimental speed-calming innovation;”
  6. Capital budgets have no fiscal space for yet another line item for speed bump replacement, as taxpayers can only subsidize so many lumps before revolt becomes inevitable;
  7. The brake–accelerate–brake cycle forced by bumps has been shown to emit more greenhouse gases than all Harbour Hoppers and Cruise Ships in HRM combined, thus accelerating the Climate Calamity of Calming Measures;
  8. Nova Scotia’s landfills are now composed of 30% shocks, struts, rims, breaks and reusable coffee mugs destroyed by bump collisions, creating a looming Waste Crisis of National Lumpy Proportions;
  9. The automotive repair industry has reported a 400% increase in suspension jobs and a 300% increase in exhaust replacements, effectively transforming every bump into a municipally sanctioned money-printing machine for garages.;
  10. Delivery drivers testify under oath that bumps are responsible for cold pizza, spilled coffee, and the tragic decline of garlic finger freshness province-wide;
  11. And WHEREAS potholes are growing deeper while bumps are growing taller, creating an arms race of asphalt terrain that will soon leave Nova Scotia passable only by monster trucks;

DEFINITIONS

For the purposes of this Order:

  1. “Speed Bump” shall mean any intentional asphalt lump exceeding five (5) centimetres in height, installed under the pretense of safety but functioning primarily as a municipal revenue stream for mechanics.
  2. “Speed Hump” shall mean a Speed Bump that grew up bitter, wider, and angrier, typically spanning the width of a school zone like an asphalt mattress.
  3. “Speed Cushion” shall mean a Speed Bump rebranded with marketing jargon, designed to fool drivers into thinking it is more comfortable, when in fact it merely distributes pain equally across axles.
  4. “Asphalt Deformity” shall include, but not be limited to: lumps, humps, mounds, moguls, ridges, ripples, wrinkles, speed pillows, calming craters, and any so-called “community art projects” welded onto public streets.
  5. “Endless Ripple Effect” shall mean the sociological condition whereby the presence of one bump inspires immediate envy and grievance among neighboring streets, resulting in cascading demands for equal suffering until an entire municipality resembles a washboard.
  6. “Speed Bump Sprawl” shall mean the uncontrolled proliferation of asphalt deformities across Nova Scotia, whereby a single cranky neighbor’s request metastasizes into subdivision-wide lumpiness, resulting in elongated commutes, ballooning repair bills, pizza delivered cold, and a province that increasingly resembles a government-issued cheese grater.
  7. “Asphalt Dictatorship” shall mean the governance system created when one resident can demand a bump that lasts forever, with no democratic mechanism for repeal, appeal, or flattening.
  8. “Darwinian Escalation” shall mean the annual arms race in which potholes grow deeper, bumps grow taller, and Nova Scotians are forced into vehicles resembling monster trucks to reach the grocery store.
  9. “Climate Calamity of Calming Measures” shall mean the excessive greenhouse gas emissions generated by the mandatory brake–accelerate–brake cycle at each bump, proven to exceed the carbon output of all leaf blowers in HRM combined.
  10. “Waste Crisis of National Lumpy Proportions” shall mean the state of landfill overflow caused by shocks, struts, rims, and coffee mugs destroyed by daily encounters with asphalt deformities.
  11. “Cold Pizza Catastrophe” shall mean the province-wide public health emergency arising when delivery drivers, delayed by excessive bumps, deliver food tepid, judgmental, and sometimes with congealed garlic fingers.

ORDER

By authority of the Premier and Council, it is hereby decreed:

  1. Immediate Ban: No municipality may install, propose, pilot, consult upon, or even imagine the construction of a new speed bump, hump, cushion, lump, or asphalt deformity of any kind.
  2. Flattening of Existing Bumps: The Department of Unnecessary Obstacles (DUO) shall deploy Steamrolling Squads to liberate pavement province-wide. For greater certainty, the term “flattening” shall mean “making the road flat enough that soup may be transported without incident.”
  3. Ban on Lists: No lists of “streets awaiting bumps” may be created, maintained, circulated, or whispered about in committee meetings, church halls, or Facebook groups.
  4. Punishment of Offenders: Any councillor advocating for bumps shall be sentenced to permanent school bus duty, seated directly above the rear axle during March pothole season. Repeat offenders shall also be required to drink Tim Hortons coffee while crossing said bumps.
  5. Enforcement Measures: Citizens may report rogue bumps via the 1-800-NO-BUMP hotline. Anonymous tips will be rewarded with pothole patching priority.
  6. Exceptions: Notwithstanding this Order, bumps may be considered only for:
    1. Paint Can Mixing Corridors – designated routes where Canadian Tire trucks may legally shake five-gallon cans of latex into proper consistency;
    2. Milkshake Aeration Zones – Dairy Queen drive-thru lanes requiring bumps to ensure Blizzards are adequately blended;
    3. Martini Shaker Crossings – licensed hospitality districts where bartenders may drive over bumps to achieve the “shaken, not stirred” standard;
    4. Egg Scrambling Routes – farm-to-market roads where fresh eggs may be pre-scrambled for the convenience of brunch establishments;
    5. Popcorn Production Lanes – seasonal cinema supply routes requiring kernel agitation by municipal bumping;
    6. Moose Crossings of Provincial Significance – designated corridors where speed bumps may assist in slowing traffic for the safety of moose and the dignity of motorists;
    7. Private Driveways Belonging to Councillors – provided all costs are paid in untraceable cash, firewood, or frozen lobster tails, and no receipts are filed.
  7. 7. Moratorium Duration: This ban shall remain in effect until Nova Scotia roads are restored to a “reasonable condition,” defined as: the ability to drive five (5) kilometres without losing a filling, one’s wheel alignment, or one’s faith in God.

SO ORDERED this 20th day of September, 2025, under the Seal of the Province of Nova Scotia.

Long may our roads memain flat.

QUOTES FROM OFFICIALS

“It’s asphalt Darwinism. Every spring the potholes sink deeper, every summer the bumps grow taller, and Nova Scotia drivers are left navigating an evolutionary asphalt race. We’re not building roads anymore — we’re building a geological theme park.”
– Dr. Glenn Gravel, Institute for Unnecessary Infrastructure

“This isn’t traffic calming. This is traffic trauma — inflicted one axle, one spilled coffee, and one lukewarm pizza at a time.”
– Sharon MacAdam, Anti-Sprawl Coalition

“We promised balanced budgets. Now we’re delivering balanced suspensions — and maybe even balanced drivers. Nova Scotia deserves flat roads and flat taxes, not lumps in asphalt or in government.”
– Premier Time “Asphalt” Houston

“About time! Last week I lost a muffler, a strut, and a hot coffee all on the same bump. If the government wants to flatten those things, I’ll drive the steamroller myself.”
– Al P. Spring, mechanic, Dartmouth

“As a delivery driver, this is life-changing. I can finally get a pizza to Bedford while it’s still hot, not stone cold and judgmental.”
– Tony “Two-for-One” Pizzaro, pizza courier

“I’ve been sitting over the axle of a school bus for 22 years. If they actually flatten these things, I might finally retire without needing a chiropractor on speed dial.”
– Brenda Wheelie, school bus driver, Truro

“For the first time in my career, I’m proud of this government. We flattened the deficit — now we’re flattening the bumps.”
– Gary Throttle, Minister of Transportation

Contact for Inquiries:

Mr. Clifford Hanger, M.A. (Master of Asphalt)
Senior Manager of Traffic Calming & Resident Complaints
1-800-NO-BUMP | Email: cliffhanger@novascotia.ca

Discover more from the Nova Scotia Bureau of Absurd Nova Scotia

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a comment