Nova Scotia Bureau of Absurd Nova Scotia

Department of Unnecessary Regulations
For Immediate Release: July 26, 2025

Nova Scotia Declares Official Ban on Seagull Screaming After 9 p.m.

Halifax, Nova Scotia — In a bold step toward nighttime tranquility, the Province of Nova Scotia has announced a province-wide ban on seagull screaming after 9:00 p.m. The Department of Unnecessary Regulations took action after countless complaints that gulls have been “treating waterfronts like karaoke bars.”

“Seagulls have been running their beaks past curfew for too long,” said Dr. Marina Clamworthy, Chief Ornithological Peacekeeper. “This policy ensures Nova Scotians can finally sleep without being jolted awake by a gull shrieking like a bagpipe with anger issues.”

The Silent Skies Initiative balances environmental stewardship with public sanity by setting firm expectations for avian noise.

Key Measures

• Mandatory Quiet Hours: All gull vocalizations banned between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m., except for emergencies like falling French fries.
• Gull Relocation Task Force: Repeat offenders escorted to offshore islands, where their calls bother only lobsters.
• Community Earplug Program: Free provincially branded earplugs stamped with “Shhh-eh!” for coastal households.
• Seagull Etiquette Workshops: Birds encouraged to try interpretive dance instead of squawking.

Prohibited Activities

Nova Scotians are barred from:

• Feeding gulls after dark.
• Teaching gulls phrases like “last call.”
• Hosting underground gull raves in fish plants.
• Using gull screams as ringtones.

Enforcement

Violators face fines up to $412—the cost of a ferry trip and Digby scallops. Repeat offenders may serve “Gull Duty,” cleaning boardwalks while listening to calming whale sounds.

Minister Reginald McQuibble stated: “We’re not silencing gulls forever—just asking them to respect bedtime. If toddlers can manage it, so can birds.”

Quick Facts

• Nova Scotia has 1.7 million gulls, outnumbering residents.
• A single gull can scream at 105 decibels, equal to a chainsaw in your ear.
• The Department of Unnecessary Regulations was formed in 2025 after banning socks with sandals.
• A pilot in Lunenburg cut nighttime gull noise by 38% with free decaf coffee.

What’s Next?

The Province is considering a Polite Pigeon Program and a contest for bird-friendly lullabies. Citizens can share stories online using #SilentSkiesNS.

For more information, visit www.novascotia.ca/silentskies or call 1-800-GULL-QUIET.

Media Contact:
Featherly Jones
Director of Winged Communications
Department of Unnecessary Regulations
Phone: 1-800-GULL-QUIET
Email: silentskies@gov.ns.ca