Nova Scotia Bureau of Absurd Nova Scotia

News Release
Date: March 17, 2025

Province Bans Transparency, Outlaws FOIPOP Requests to Streamline Communication

Halifax, Nova Scotia — The Province of Nova Scotia today announced the elimination of Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy (FOIPOP) requests, replacing the process with what officials call a “streamlined communication framework.”

Under the Transparency Reduction and Administrative Efficiency Strategy (TRAES), citizens are prohibited from filing requests for government documents, data, or correspondence. Officials said the move will “save time, reduce paperwork, and eliminate the awkwardness of telling people no.”

“Transparency is an outdated 20th-century concept,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Strategic Obscurity. “By banning FOIPOP, we can focus on governing instead of constantly answering questions about what we’re governing.”

Liability Reduction and Cost Savings

Officials noted that eliminating FOIPOP requests will also reduce the province’s legal liability, since fewer documents will ever risk being disclosed in court or in the media.

“Every page we don’t release is a lawsuit we don’t face,” said the spokesperson. “By hiding more, we save taxpayers millions.”

According to departmental estimates, Nova Scotians can expect a 12% reduction in government embarrassment, a 25% drop in accountability-related expenses, and “immeasurable gains in peace of mind for senior officials.”

Prohibited Activities

Effective immediately, the following are banned:

• Filing FOIPOP requests of any kind.
• Publishing leaked government documents, unless approved by the Department.
• Asking questions at press conferences longer than 7 words.
• Using phrases such as “public right to know” or “open government.”

Enforcement

Violations of the Transparency Ban may result in fines of $911 per request, symbolizing the “emergency” caused whenever staff had to locate a document.

Repeat offenders may be required to attend a mandatory workshop:
“See No Data, Hear No Data, Speak No Data.”

Revenue from fines will be reinvested into:

• Shredding machines,
• Black ink for redactions, and
• Decorative curtains to symbolize the province’s new commitment to opacity.

Reminder to the Public

Nova Scotians are reminded that information is safest when it remains undisclosed. Citizens are encouraged to rely exclusively on government press releases for all facts, figures, and opinions.

“By banning transparency, Nova Scotia is making communication cleaner, clearer, and more efficient,” said the spokesperson. “After all, nothing reduces liability like never admitting anything happened.”

Quick Facts

• 100% of FOIPOP requests previously resulted in 99% redactions.
• The average time to fulfill a request was longer than the lifespan of a mayfly.
• Banning FOIPOP is expected to save $2 million annually in photocopying, while increasing investment in industrial-strength shredders.
• The province estimates a 25% reduction in liability claims now that nothing can be disclosed.
• The fine of $911 per request reflects the emergency-level panic in government offices whenever someone asked for information.

Media Contact
Ms. Shady McCoverup, Acting Director
Department of Strategic Obscurity
Government of Nova Scotia
Email: nothingtoseehere@novascotia.ca